In Vino Veritas

21Mar2006
In Vino Veritas

I’m a big fan of wine, particularly red wine. OK, it’s not quite like a drop of the black stuff, but I am quite partial to a tipple of Greg Norman Shiraz, Ravenswood Zinfandel or Benziger Pinot Noir. And there aren’t many alcoholic drinks that have entire sites devoted to their health-giving qualities – after all, I’ve never seen anything proclaiming Tequila to be Nature’s Tonic, have you?

But there are a number of things I don’t like about wine:

  1. It gives me a very sore head in the morning
  2. It makes me say some very stupid things
  3. It leaves my tongue looking quite black, like it does after eating cockroaches
  4. (Did I say that last one out loud?)
  5. People look at me very strangely if I drink it by the pint
  6. …especially when I am at Church taking Holy Communion
  7. If you like red wine then you are often considered to be a wine snob – which I despise, because I am a real snob, not some inferior wine snob!

But all things considered, I thought it might be time to give up on wine and move on to something less destructive.

I initially considered grape juice, but I had a big issue with that. No, not because of the sickly sweet advertising which makes me feel worse than I do after 15 shots of Arak – my issue with that particular beverage is regularity, aka the Ex-Lax effect. Not a very good way to meet new people at dinner parties if one is constantly having to dash to the water closet, wouldn’t one agree?

I then considered milk. But that tends to leave me with a white moustache and make me look like a 5-year old, all at the same time. And I have some issues with what happens when it’s heated. Say no more.

So I have decided that my new beverage of choice will be: my own sweat. Why?

  1. Mmmm, salty!
  2. Licking oneself is so underrated – just ask Hamish
  3. Drinking it helps me recycle any blood I do have in my alcohol stream
  4. I sweat a lot, so there is an abundant supply.


41 Responses to “In Vino Veritas”

  1. I just found your blog the the other day on the blogs of interest list. This one made me laugh, a lot. You’re funny, keep up the the good humor-
    Amy

  2. Don’t give up on wine, its most redeming quality is that is makes us say stupid things! How often do we really get to make such arses of ourselves when we are all hopped up on milk?? And juice is no fun, and makes just as much of a mess when you spill it, don’t even get me started on water….

  3. Amy – thanks. Giving up wine is no laughing matter, though :-)

    Stef – water is good if you add hops to it and let it ferment.

  4. i) you need to drink more water !
    ii) some people can do that without wine
    iii) black tongues are cool
    iv) its good to come clean
    v)i think that is known as a social gaff
    vi)tsk tsk
    vii)you’ve obviously not drunk the cheap French reds !

  5. don’t give up on the wine! I’m a recent convert to red. But it does make me look slightly vampiric after a few glasses.

  6. You make me laugh – plus I want to adpot Hamish and also your photography is wicked. Wish I lived in Bermuda too…lucky bastard!! By the way i started a photography blog because of you, im not as good as you though, mind you i dont have a nice camera! x

  7. I think maybe you’ve undervalued Tequila here.
    Now don’t get me wrong, I love licking my own armpits, but, Tequila burns clean as long as you don’t over do it. Have you tried ‘Petron’. Mmmm… Nectar of the Gods.

  8. While on the idea of licking sweat off of your fac. Have you ever heard of the power of drinking your own urine? :P (urine therapy?)

    If you think about it, every time you go….is it a new vintage?

  9. there is nothing like a good port…. but i settle for red almost every other evening…

  10. hey..found ur blog while surfing..
    well written man!! keep it up!

  11. hey. do you have a xanga or anything of the sort? if not, someone is using your picture. :]

    okay. bye

  12. hey just read your blog first time. it was really funny. great stuff! – Nishant

  13. Wine is the second in my list. But vodka…. ; D Very nice blog. And I enjoied the cows too. Always dreamed to have one as pet.

  14. vodka. a good vodka doesn’t give you a hangover, or a black tongue. it also makes licking your own sweat sooooOOOOOooo much more fun after a few of tipples.

  15. I also like wine, but getting drunk on it isnt that great. It is a good high, but the acidity is hard on the digestion I think.

    Id say, get drunk on beer or hard stuff before any vino.

    Wine is good one or two glasses at a time. Anything more, and I find I dont enjoy it anymore: im just drunk and drinking to be more drunk!

    R2K

  16. Jasp – cheap French reds just aren’t my thing. Actually, I prefer the New World in general

    zuzula – but you haven’t tasted my sweat !

    tubbits – thanks. I do feel lucky sometimes – mostly when sober.

    kaku – yes, I know Petron. But I wouldn’t normally do body shots with something that costs $48 a bottle!

    Roy – urine. I think I will pass on that one :-)

    As for port – that makes my head feel even worse in the morning…

  17. Thanks for the comments. Vodka is definitely a good option, particularly when couple with Red Bull. But I spent some time in Russia and actually prefer it straight up (and down). We even had a ‘housekeeping’ bottle in place for emergencies…those were the days.

  18. why would you anyone want a cow for a pet? i would only eat it & dream of eating it before i actually do. as for wine; quite the aphrodisiac i must say. simply delightful. except i am careful at functions, especially work ones…my teeth get purple. certainly not at all attractive to have purple teeth

  19. o. & last but not least – tom q – are you a spy?

  20. what body part would you drink your sweat from?

  21. One fantastic wine to try is Francis Coppola. He has an amazing claret (“Black Label”, diamond series). It’s delish.

  22. Wine is good stuff. I like wine too =) It tastes better than hard liquor so i always drink a lot and then it hits me hard later.
    btw, I like your blogs.

  23. You didn’t consider the other alcoholic beverages, like rum , tequilla, vodka, you know the good stuff. I personally love all of the above for very different reasons, in very different drinks.

    (All of the above can be mixed with orange juice so you can get some vitamin c at the same time.)

  24. There is a white wine typical of Basque Country (Spain) called txakolí. You must drink it guy!
    Long life to the wine!!!

  25. db – of course I am a spy. The name’s Pond, Duck Pond. I will be the one in the carnation with the black tongue…

    nicole – I tried the Coppola zinfandel – pretty good. Need to try that Black Label.

    maggie – hard liquour is definitely hazardous…

    mini driver – I want to differentiate myself…

    lilith – need to try that. Probably can’t get it here.

  26. Hi Tom, I started blogging very recently. Your blog caught my eyes, so I decided to link to you.

    http://adam1blog.blogspot.com

    Kindly,
    Adam

  27. anon – you ask what body part would I drink my sweat from? Hmmm…where would you suggest…?

  28. thanks for the link, adam…

  29. Just thinking about drinking sweat makes me want to vomit. Your posts are very creative – keep em comin!

  30. I love your blog so much that I linked my own blog to yours.I think the photos are pretty good too. Wine is perfect…most of the time. Have you ever had any Plumpjack? My wife discovered this wine when she was in Napa last year, good stuff. I think I’ll go write a blog on tequila, LOL. Seriously, stay the course. Listen to the wine……

  31. author312 – thanks again. Glad I made you feel sick :-)

    Red – appreciate the link.

  32. thanks Tom, all in good fun :) Keep up the good work; up in Canada, we had a wee sprinkling of snow.

  33. Roy. Definitely. I’m in DC right now. No snow, but it’s damn cold. Cold enough to succumb to a glass of La Crema Pinot Noir. The one thing I didn’t take into account with my new plan – I can’t drink my own sweat if it’s too cold to sweat.

  34. drink what you must-great photo by the way

  35. Grape juice is still the first class drink. Wine is just a cheap drink.

    Little’s Blog Things

  36. Mmm…wine. Love the wine.

    Welch’s grape juice? Not so much. And I’m with you on their advertising.Kids are cute enough without resorting to that icky baby talk. Then again, we are talking about the ads, so maybe Welch’s knows what it’s doing. Cloying, annoying children closely associated with a cloying, annoying drink…

  37. Grape juice is just vine by me :-)

  38. Tu lo que necesitass en un buen rivera de crianza.Enserio.
    Lo siento por no escribir en ingles.sorry.

  39. Melko – how right you are. Crianza works for me.

  40. you might not even read the 40th comment, but I am happy to take you to a Bar à vin if you ever come to Paris, considering someone who only drinks Perrier, you should understand the effort, just for your witty blog.

    ANA

  41. ana – I always read all my comments. I would love to join you for a perrier in Paris on my next trip!

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