Paradise Found

After watching the latest Bond movie, Casino Royale, I was thinking about some of the exotic locations it was shot in. It made me think about how a Bond movie would be if it was filmed in Bermuda. This is what I came up with…

The High Speed Chase – would take place at a breakneck 35mph on 50cc rental scooters from Smatts. The brakes would be dodgy, the speedometers would not work and Bond would be wearing a white tourist helmet. He would ride the bike off Albuoys Point, swim back to the dock, grab a taxi, utter the immortal words “follow that scooter”, only to lose his foe because the taxi driver refuses to drive all the way to Smiths Parish, and doesn’t want to get his seats dirty.

The Bond Girl – would be called Shaniqua-Mae. She would be dumped by Bond for having “helmet-head” hair and getting “hot” with the boys, shortly before she is kicked off the island for being too scantily dressed on the beach…

The Gadget – would be a flashy Omega watch which would run 30 minutes late (Bermuda time). It wouldn’t work very well underwater, but when the bezel is twisted it would flip out a device which could open 6 bottles of Heineken at the same time – a potential life-saver

The Drink – would be a vodka martini, ordered in the Little Venice Wine Bar, but Bond would almost have a heart attack when he goes to pay for it and finds out it costs $35 plus the 15% gratuities on top. He would sip it very slowly, and by the end of the night he would be on Black & Cokes and calling everyone “Ace Boy”…

The Gambling Scene – would take place in a hot and sweaty Crown and Anchor tent, where Bond would be conned out of all his money, and would end up betting the keys to his 1997 Hyundai Atoz on the last roll of the dice. His winnings would be $5300 in used, greasy Bermuda $2 bills.

The Evil Villain – would be a local politician who is siphoning off public money to fund a terrorist plot – he would be using the construction of a new high school as a front for his nefarious activities, and his evil sidekick would be a deadly assassin with a nickname of “The Colonel”. He would eventually force Bond from the island by devising a crooked law which means visiting workers can only stay for 6 days.