Paradise Found

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been more than 6 weeks since my last blog entry.

It’s not that I haven’t been compiling things to write about – it’s just that I haven’t had much time to publish those ideas to the blog.

One of the things I have been thinking about is money. Hasn’t everyone, you are probably saying to yourself. Yes, but probably not in the same way as I have.

First of all, I don’t like loose change. All those coins weigh down the pockets of my Bermuda shorts, and the only time I ever seem to need them is when I am tipping bag-packers – so not very often. I end up going home and emptying my pockets into a bowl. That bowl eventually overflows, so I pour that into a bag. After a while that bag has months worth of small coins in it and I throw it in the cupboard. Ideally, what I need is some mechanism where every time someone gives me change I walk outside the store and a person accepting charitable donations teleports in to take my change. Because right now whenever I see one of those people, I reach into my pockets, only to realise that all my change is in a bag in a cupboard at home. So I end up either a) avoiding eye contact and walking past them, or b) giving them all the banknotes in my wallet (the more usual scenario because I feel shamed into it). Don’t get me wrong – I am a very charitable person, but have you ever tried pushing ten dollar bills into one of those coin collection boxes? I wish they could just swipe my debit card and be done with it. Or accept an IOU for all the change in my cupboard (and then come round to collect it from my house).

The second thing I hate is banknotes which are all creased and scrunched up. I am a stickler for order, so they really annoy me. Especially on a Friday night. After several drinks. When I know I have a pocket full of money, because it is bulging my wallet George Costanza style. So what do I do? I iron my banknotes. This has two benefits – it allows me to fit more cash in my wallet, and it kills all the bacteria that countless people before me have spread all over them.

Ironing your cash is definitely the way ahead. Well, until they phase out cash and move solely to cards. Until then I will rely on my All-Ett super-slim wallet.