Paradise Found

I love power tools. They make me feel more masculine. So the move to the new place has meant that I can buy some new power tools. One of those purchases is a drill. Now, my last drill has been lying in an attic in West Sussex for the past three years, so I have really missed the ability to drill holes in things. And using a leatherman or hand drill just doesn’t cut it.

The new model is by Dewalt. It is a manly(?) bright yellow, like a Lamborghini, and, like most pieces of technology, has a host of features I will never use. But, it also comes with a set of titanium-coated, peanut butter filled, diamond-encrusted drill bits. (I am lying about the peanut butter, but Reeses could be onto something with an idea like that). But I always laughed when I saw drill bits being advertised, because I wondered why you would ever need that level of technology unless you are drilling for oil in the North Sea?

But now I know the reason – Bermuda Stone. That is what my walls are made of, and it is a substance harder than rock, paper or scissors. In actual fact, I think when they discovered nano-materials, they were actually looking at the walls of a Bermuda Cottage.

Imagine the scene – I pulled out the Dewalt, armed it with the biggest, baddest drill-bit I could find, and started prospecting for oil in my walls. It took me longer to drill a hole to hang a picture than it did for the French to dig their side of the Channel Tunnel – and that is saying something. The drill bit became so hot I had to pipe cold beer into the hole to cool it down. Well, OK, most of the beer ended up in the hole known as my mouth, but you get the idea.

But now I have perfected the art of driving holes into that satan-stone, and the walls in my house look like swiss cheese…now I have to find a tool that reverses the process and fills all those holes back in. Let’s hope it is something with a kick-starter…